How to Be a Great Groom
The traditional wedding is, of course, built around the bride. No question, she’s the star — what with the giant dress, the veil, all those maids of honor, scurrying around, agreeing to look less lovely than she does. But the groom too is a pivotal player, too. And it says here that way too many men just slap on a tux, escort the leading lady and give the gig a walk-through. Bad idea. Groomal energy is often the difference between nuptials that are ho-hum and a wedding that inspires all the dearly beloved. Some notes for the man who would shine in the supporting spousal role.
A proper groom is three parts soldier and one part sprite. He is a disciple of tradition and form. He is a disciple of tradition and form. But he is no slave to them. He is at once lieutenant and lover, three parts West Point and one part west wind. Yeats was right yet again: “How but in custom and in ceremony are innocence and beauty born?”
In the run-up to the wedding, you’re going to have to resist the pecks of a pernicious myth — specifically, the notion that getting married is guy surrender, that it marks the death of the cowboy, the domestication of the potent male. Huck Finn, the archetypal American boy-man, started this all with his vow to `light out for the territory’ before Aunt Sally could `sivilize’ him. This idea shows up at bachelor parties, and though the boys mean well, it’s sneakily corrosive. Keep this antidote thought in mind: You’re not surrendering anything; you’re signing on. The marriage of two minds and two bodies is an adventure worthy of a man’s attention. Marriage is a quest, and you’re Sir Lancelot.
Once the big day arrives, remember these additional guiding thoughts:
Put on your game face
Athletes need to prep themselves; grooms do too. Often the best chance for a few meditative moments is as you’re getting dressed. Somehow the assembling of yourself, the priestly donning of the vestments, can quiet your mind, commend you to the ceremonial ambition you’re about to need. Be sure not to hang out with your best man, Stan, as you’re prepping. Guy palaver is not what you’re after now. You’re after serenity, the focus of a man in full.
Be sure not to hang out with your best man, Stan, as you’re prepping. Guy palaver is not what you’re after now. You’re after serenity, the focus of a man in full.
And don’t just routinely put on your tux. Move slowly, deliberately. Feel your arms slide into the sleeves of your armor….er, your jacket. Watch your grandfather’s cufflinks slips through the slits. Imagine that the flower in your lapel bears the colors of the king.
Nail your entrance
Your first appearance in front of the assembled is a key moment. They take their cue from your expression. A common mistake is to take on an expression of frozen solemnity as you walk down the aisle. It happens without thinking because you’re respectful of the commitment you’re about to make. Four out of ten grooms look as though their playing the role of Pallbearer #3. That sucks the life out of the room. The trick is to be sure that your gait and carriage are formal — abs in, shoulders back — but that your face looks joyful and ardent. Enjoy the eyeballs on you. Smile. No, beam. Wave to your grandmother. Give your nephew a small half salute, an unconventional, and thus confident, move. The challenge is to balance the humors of formality and fun. Yes, this is a serious ceremony, lieutenant. It’s also a party.
Four out of ten grooms look as though their playing the role of Pallbearer #3. That sucks the life out of the room. The trick is to be sure that your gait and carriage are formal — abs in, shoulders back — but that your face looks joyful and ardent. Enjoy the eyeballs on you. Smile. No, beam.
Take charge at the altar
It’s important that you paid attention during the rehearsal. Far too many guys arrive at the cleric without a clue as to the choreography of the ceremony. A discombobulated groom is not cute, it’s just worrisome and will have your father-in-law calling three times a week just to check that “everything’s okay.” It’s not enough to know your lines, you’ve got to know the blocking of it all, too.
Don’t give a ‘reading’ of the vows. The only thing worse than a groom who recites the vows like a robot, with no feel for their meaning, is a groom who gets into them, as though he were the only person who really, really, really understands their significance. “Love, honor and cherish,” is not a phrase that needs selling.
Find the sweet spot in the middle, between automaton and ham.
Give her a husband kiss
Once you get to you may kiss the bride, a sense of balance gets even more important. Nobody wants to see a feckless peck, but even worse is a big wet one.
The marital kiss should last no more than nine-tenths of a second and should express enthusiasm for the voyage, but not, under any circumstances, a taste for the bride’s bones. Zest, not lust
Campaign your way down the aisle
Once you two on your way out into the world, channel JFK on a whistle-stop outside Fresno. Here, let the sprite take the lead, bubble up through the soldier’s propriety. Big waves. Hearty greetings. Wide smiles, even some barnstorming, hands reaching out into the crowd. Exuberance is the word you’re after.
Radiate at the reception
Good wedding parties require energetic brides and grooms. You guys are the hosts. Work the room. Make it as small as possible. Have long arms. Visit tables — on occasion together, but more often solo. Split up to spread the good word. Your bride can be embracing table 12, while you’re introducing Aunt Molly to your college roommate, Fred.
Don’t get into deep, detailed conversations. No groom reception-interaction should take more than 90 seconds. No, 30 seconds. Let the joyful Dionysian spirit ascend; let your thinking spirit take a back seat. Hug people a lot. Say effusive things. Feel blessed. You are.
Speak up for the team
There’s something great about a late toast from the groom. Nothing long or detailed, maybe just a couple of grateful thoughts on behalf of you and
your beloved. It should be delivered with jacket off and bow tie undone, happiness suffusing your face. The point is leadership. It’s good for a groom’s soul and for the bride’s feelings about her brand-new husband.
Follow the most important rule of all
Choose the right bride. Find somebody of stout heart and fine mind, a person good at affection, a green-eyed woman from Philadelphia who makes you feel hopeful about the species. Choose a woman good at laughter. Choose a woman who summons the soldier in you, whose goodness requires honor and courage under fire.